29/9/07

Yo fui testigo


El 10 de noviembre se casa por iglesia mi mejor amiga que es la hermana que nunca tuve y me regaló la vida.
La adoro y su futuro esposo es una persona buenísima y están hechos el uno para el otro.

La cosa es que hace unos meses me dijo "Vos sos la testigo del casamiento por iglesia".

Oooooookey!! Pausa!

Yo no sabía que ahora piden testigos para contraer matrimonio por iglesia. De toda le gente que conozco que se haya casado, incluido mi hermano, a nadie le habían pedido eso.

Debe ser nuevo.

Bueno, la cosa que es obviamente le dije que sí.
Ya había leído partes de la biblia en un par de casamientos delante de toda la gente (eso me pasa por ser cara dura. Siempre me eligen a mí cuando los demás no se animan) como no iba a ser testigo de mi best friend??

Tenía que ir un testigo de parte de la novia, o sea yo, y un testigo de parte del novio. Es un trámite que se hace antes del casamiento. Así que ayer fuimos a atestiguar.
Con DNI en mano tuve que entrar a un cuartito de 2 x 2 metros que es la secretaría de la iglesia donde se casan.
Muchos saben mi opinión acerca de la iglesia y de la gente que trabaja en ella.

No tengo nada en contra de la gente que va a misa, se confiesa, comulga, le pide consejos a los sacerdotes, etc, etc, etc.
Pero yo no hago nada de eso.
No soy atea ni nada por el estilo. Yo creo en Dios, pero creo que está en todos lados y no dentro de un edificio con una cruz donde te venden una cosa y por otro lado te sacan otra.
Entonces voy a misa solo en ocasiones especiales pero no todos los domingos, y si quiero rezar no me hace falta un edificio ni tener una imagen en frente.
Para mí, la iglesia es solo una metáfora, y es lo que cada uno tiene en su corazón (los buenos sentimientos hacia los demás, la fe en sí mismo, la fuerza interna de cada uno, los valores, etc) y no un edificio ni todo ese negocio que se creó para sacarle la plata a la gente.
Y pienso varias cosas más que no vienen al caso.
Tampoco me confieso. Simplemente porque no creo que un sacerdote sea alguien a quien deba contarle mis pecados. Si hice algo malo considero que es 1 millón de veces mejor hablarlo con el damnificado y asunto terminado. Que un tercero me diga que estoy "perdonada" no significa nada para mí. Y sin ánimos de ofender no pienso arrodillarme delante de nadie para que me perdone, creyéndose superior a mí cuando en realidad es alguien que es igual o peor que yo.

Volviendo al relato. De un momento a otro me encontré sentada delante de un sacerdote y su secretaria y me empezaron a hacer un montón de preguntas. Primero referidas a mí y luego a mis amigos.

Detesto este tipo de cosas pero por mis amigos lo hice igual.

Que Dios me perdone pero el tipo ese vestido de sotana tenía una cara de pervertido tremenda y su cara de "buenito" era más dudosa que el título de ingeniera de Graciela Alfano. Y su secretaria tenía una terrible cara de sargento que si me hubiese hecho la venia al entrar no me hubiese sorprendido para nada.

La cosa es que me preguntaron cosas como: De qué religión era, si me había bautizado, si iba a misa regularmente, si me confesaba, que cuándo me había confesado por última vez, etc, etc, etc.
Respondí todo con mi mejor cara de fanática religiosa. En otro contexto hubiese respondido como me hubiese gustado, pero dado que estaba en representación de la hermosa y feliz pareja no quería arruinar nada. Así que mentí un poco y salí airosa de la situación.

Cuando terminó mi interrogatorio me dijo el sacerdote que antes del casamiento sería bueno que me confesara porque yo iba a ser testigo de la unión de dos seres puros (se habrá equivocado de pareja y atestigüé por otra??? Bueno, este comentario por supuesto fue motivo de chistes y cargadas a mis amigos minutos después de la reunión) y que si quería que me podía confesar él.
Como soy buena pero no buenuda le dije que en ese momento no tenía tiempo pero que me iba a confesar en la iglesia donde yo iba a misa (sí, en esa que no piso hace 1 año y medio, desde que se casó mi hermano).

Después (y acá viene la mejor parte) vinieron las preguntas acerca de mis amigos, hechas por la secretaria bajo la atenta mirada del Darth Vader tercermundista, y tuve que hacer un esfuerzo tremendo para no reírme en la cara de la secretaria al acordarme de comentarios de mis amigos. Y porque, vamos a ser sinceros, es una estupidez más grande que el Vaticano que hagan un cuestionario así en una iglesia y pretendan que una no mienta.

Qué pretenden que una responda cuando le preguntan cosas como:

- Puede usted responder honestamente? (Si, salvo cuando miento)
- Los novios se casan en libertad? (No, están bajo amenaza)
- Hay alguien o alguna circunstancia que los obligue a casarse? (Querían hacer un fiesta grande y se les ocurrió que casarse era una buena excusa)
- Algunos de los dos se casó por iglesia anteriormente? (Sí, y yo vengo a mandarlos al frente)
- Existe algún impedimento físico o psicológico que les impida cumplir con los deberes matrimoniales? (Físico no... ahora, si hablamos de lo psicológico, quién está 100% sano mentalmente?)
- Existen lazos de sangre entre ambos? (Sí, son padre e hija! A qué a esa pregunta la inventó el cara de depravado que tenés al lado.)
- Alguno de los dos estuvo en tratamiento por alcohol, drogas, problemas de conducta o mentales? (Ufff... si empiezo a hablar se caen los santos!)

- Considera que aceptaran amorosamente a los hijos de Dios y los criarán bien? (Aceptarlos seguro. De lo demás no puedo asegurar nada. Tiene el "Manual de la buena crianza" a mano?)

Al terminar el cuestionario, mientras firmaba, pensaba:

Qué pasaría si una responde negativamente a alguna de estas preguntas?
Si todo el mundo sabe que la gente siempre lleva a atestiguar a las personas que aprecia o de última a las que les conviene porque van a responder de manera correcta a esas preguntas para que los hagan quedar bien, para qué las hacen?

Hipocresía pura!

Y en la iglesia!

Oh, my God!

Whatever! La parejita está feliz y eso es lo que cuenta :)

103 comentarios:

Betty Page dijo...

Confesiones:
Fui exploradora... En cierto modo sigo siendolo, porque es una promesa de por vida...
Pero me hecharon las mismas monjas que me habian aceptado...
Asique no le tengo mucha estima a la Iglesia.

Tampoco soy católica.
Cada loco con su tema...

Lo importante es que uno por los amigos hace de todo con tal de que sean felices... =)

Bien ahi Gioconda!

Besote...

Alicia R. dijo...

¡Sos muy buena amiga! :-)))))

Desafiando_Ce dijo...

Todo se paga en vida... es decir, te van a tener que pagar por todas las mentiras que tuviste que decir por ellos. jejeje

Comparto tu posicion sobre la religion, creo en Dios pero no en la Iglesia como institucion, esta muy viciada y lo peor es que no hacen nada por limpiar su imagen.

Son tan retrogrados! Como van a hacer ese tipo de cuestionario??? Hellooooo, acaso creen que por que estes en la iglesia no vas a mentir???

Ademas, que fue del libre albedrio??? No era que uno decidia? Entonces no entiendo lo de los testigos y la "visa" que tienen que pedir las parejas para que las casen.

Estoy un poco revolucionaria hoy, debe ser que anduve hablando mucho con Tomás por estos días. jajaja

Besos Gio

:: BajoYo :: dijo...

Bueno, lo del testigo y el cuestionario es 100% true my dear...

Nosotros llevamos a los testigos y menos mal que el cura era buena onda porque ambos testigos se estuvieron riendo a carcajadas un día de semana por la tarde en medio de la capilla (vacía por suerte) mientras el padre los interrogaba (con casi exactamente las mismas preguntas)

A: Las carcajadas las oíamos desde la calle (porque el padre, tras ver como amensazaba a un testigo me pidió amablemente que esperara afuera, pero siempre buena onda, se moría de la risa cuando me decía "mejor esperá afuera que lo vas a acuchillar con la mirada"

B: Luego de eso el padre ya no nos miraba igual, pero nos casó de todas maneras...

C: La reunioncita para el cuestionario tomó unos 25 mintuos más o menos por testigo, pero estuvimos revolcándonos como 3 horas cuando entre amigos nos contaban cómo había sido!

Gabriel a secas dijo...

ya no hay caso... no se puede seguir criticando a la Iglesia, ya TODO el mudno sensato sabe de sus errores.

Ahora sigo preguntandome: Porq no dejan de joderse poniendose en contra de los forros, de los gays, de los curas teniendo sexo, y realmente hablan sobre la esencia del cristianismo??? AMAR AL OTRO


al carajo... ya era

Zafaste lindo de la confesio no? jaja cuando iba leyendo era como el TA TA TA TAAAAAAN llegara tan lejos su amistad???

Nerim dijo...

Hiciste bien en mentir.
Aunque me he criado en colegios de monjas, no soy partidaria de la iglesia ni lo he sido nunca.No voy a misa, no me he confesado y no he comulgado,desde que salí del colegio con 17 años.
Un saludo
Nerim

Bichicome dijo...

Ojo que si te mentis te llevan en cana.

Gioconda dijo...

Betty: Bueno, supongo que habrás prometido ser exploradora, no sirvienta de las monjas. Así que podes seguir siéndolo a pesar de esa manga de hipócritas.
Con respecto a mis amigos, hago eso y mucho más. Más allá de todo, fue un simple trámite :)
Besote!

Alicia r.: Gracias!! Y ellos también lo son :)

Desafiando_ce: ud está muy revolucionaria y ellos son muy hipócritas jajaja.
Una no quiere mentir, pero si no hay más remedio...

Bajoyo: Yo antes de entrar a atestiguar estaba hablando con mis amigos y el otro testigo. Entramos por separado, y este chico ya había sido testigo en otro casamiento así que nos empezó a contar las cosas que le habían preguntado y nos estuvimos matando de la risa de las cosas que podríamos responder y las que no. Cuando entré a atestiguar estaba colorada de la risa. Tuve que hacer varios esfuerzos para no reirme en la cara del cura y la secretaria.
Pero bueno, final feliz :P
La vieja me miró mal varias veces, pero no pasó nada grave :P

Gabriel: Se contradicen y no se dejan de joder porque son HIPOCRITAS.
Con respecto a la confesión, me confesé una sola vez y fue la semana anterior a tomar la comunión cuando iba a la primaria a un colegio católico y después nunca más.
No me pienso confesar de nuevo.
Y sí, mi amistad llega muy lejos, pero confesarme es el colmo de la hipocrecía y la amistad no tiene que ver con eso. Les vengo demostrando que tan amiga soy hace años y con cosas importantes.

Nerim: Si mentí es por culpa de ellos :P
Es facil, si no quieren que mienta que no me hagan preguntas que me obliguen a hacerlo jejeje

Bichicome: Ya me hubiesen dado reclusión perpetua :P

PauLy dijo...

Comentario half-shallow (por el trasfondo del post): Que lindo ser testigo del casamiento de tu mejor amiga!!!

Con respecto a la religion, es algo tan personal... Pero si cada uno está tranquilo con lo que cree, me parece fantástico.

Comparte que no es necesario ir a la Iglesia para ser católica y tener una relación con Dios, pero tmb es cierto que es un simbólo.

Con respecto a las preguntas, si, es una formalidad... Porque... por más que estés mintienod y se compruebe, te van a demandar?? Por algo el casamiento religioso no tiene consecuencias civiles (sorry, me salió la abogada en potencia de adentro)

En fin, después contamos como estuvo la fiesta!!! :D

Little Queen dijo...

Menos mal que mi amiguilla me pido que sea su testigo de civil y fue uno de lso sentimientos mas lindos que tuve!!!! sisi yo pienso lo mismo de la iglesia pero ni siquiera voy,ni nada,solo creo que Dios es el mismo bajo diferentes aspectos segun las religiones, o sea yo por mi educacion creo que es Dios (catolico) pero bueno,whatever, cada uno...mientras nose haga mal a los demas, que se crea en quien quiera.

kukilin dijo...

¿Todavía la gente se casa? Jajaja!!! Pienso igual que vos con respecto a la iglesia, y me digo, si dios está en el cielo, en la tierra y en todo lugar. ¿A qué ir a la iglesia? ¿A que te laven el cerebro? ¿A que te pidan cosas insólitas?
Besos sagrados...

La Flor de la Mafia dijo...

No es nuevo eso de los testigos...
y los curas...AYYYYY

Lulis*~ dijo...

ajaja ni me quiero imaginar si hubieras contestado qeu no en una de esas preguntas.... te hechaba por hereje! :P

besos

Cambalache emocional dijo...

Imaginate que nuestros amigos no solo se bancaron el ping pong de preguntas y respuestas, sino que se tuvieron que levantar a las 7 am un día sábado para acompañarnos hasta Parque Leloir.
Nos cagamos de risa cuando me contaron las preguntas y lo que dijeron...
Beso! y felicidades por ser testigo :P

Recontra dijo...

tODO LO QUE ESTA ENTRE PARENTESIS ES EXCELENTE...

Gioconda dijo...

Kukilin: Es verdad, es una contradicción detrás de la otra: "Dios está en todos lados, pero tienen que casarse bajo el techo de una iglesia", "Dios ama a todos y no pide nada a cambio, pero a nosotros nos tienen que pagar $150 para que cura los case", "Todos somos iguales ante Dios, pero se van a tener que arrodillar y pedirle perdón a Darth Vader porque sino no los va a casar".
Manga de ridículos!

La flor de la mafia: Entonces debe ser que no lo piden en todas las iglesias. Uno de mis hermanos se casó hace un año y medio y no le pidieron hacer esa ridiculez A mis amigos sí :P

Lulis: Si me echaban a mí la verdad que no me molestaba, pero si no casaban a mis amigos por mi culpa me iba a tener que ir del pais jajaja. Así que me tuve que portar bien :P

Cambalache emocional: Esos son amigos!!
A nosotros nos dieron la libertad de ir cualquier día. Es lo único que tuvo de bueno todo el trámite.
Muchas gracias! Lo único que rescato es que mis amigos están felices entonces valió la pena.

Recontra: Muchas gracias! jajaja
Lo bueno es que no dije nada de eso, pero lo tenía que escribir por lo menos :P

El Analista dijo...

Ah, que placer ese tipo de interrogatorios, aun no he tenido el privilegio, mis amigos no se atreven a hacerme eso o temen que un rayo divino los parta al medio, no se, pero es una buena manera de testear la vena histrionica personal, jejeje

Willowcita dijo...

por dios del cielo....
te felicito por haberte contenido.
yo no hubiese podido con la risa ... además el fuego me sale por los ojos.
que tamaña boludez de cuestionario.
a mi mis amigos no me piden ese tipo de favores pq ahi nomás les planto cara de culo.
por suerte casi todas estan casadas y me obviaron de la listita.. y con sus putitos hijos tambien.
Creo que si tengo que comulgar vomito.
jajajaaaa
a mi me gusta ir a la iglesia pq admiro la parte arquitectonica sobre todo si tienen vitreaux.

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